in recent days so much has transpired. it's hard to know where to go or what to do with my thoughts. blogs have been far from my mind, but i enjoy the chance to write in a way that others might see and and think it's important for me to come up out of my shell for air once in a while and say hello to friends and family.
lent has been a time of tremendous growth for me, not only this year but in the past as well. i feel fortunate to be part of a nazarene church that embraces the church calendar and to help out in a youth ministry that observes seasons of the church as well as liturgical practices, such as the lectionary. i have tried my best to read each week's texts throughout the week and it has been an encredible experience. it has been as though the scriptures have followed my progression of life in the past few years. scary. i have been on a journey for some time internally to let go of self-pity, pride, and fear. that has sort of been my desire for lent, to let go of these destructive factors and somehow let, or hope that the Spirit would replace them with It's presence. so much of my life has been filled with these things that there has been little room for God to speak to me or even show me anything at all. i've been so selfish. so self-centered.
a big part of it all has been a strained relationship that has been a source of anger and resentment for me. it has been a cancer to my soul and has come to own me. about a week ago i felt very clear in my spirit to call this person and to somehow try to reconcile. it was hard, i basically held my phone and looked at it, talking myself in and out of the decision over and over. but in the end i did it. we talked for some time and came to a place of healing and understanding. in their words, "there's nothing between us, all is forgiven." i asked for forgiveness, and they did the same. it was a conversation that was long overdue, and a weight cast off my shoulders. i praise God for it. it has been very liberating to let go of that hurt once and for all. i know it will still be a journey, but a major crossroad is now in the past. i can't remember the exact scripture that made me realize the need, but the major point is that God has given us the ministry of reconciliation. i believe it is in one of the corinthian letters. i always read it as we are supposed to help others make nice with each other. again, so prideful. it was something i needed to do personally.
my outlook seems to be quite different nowadays. work isn't so bad, even though at work things are much more stressful than ever. but it's ok. there's less fear for me and more willingness to stick it out. i'm starting to see things i'll miss about our time here, even at work where it's been a struggle.
i can already see how much i've learned and regret some things i've done in our time here. but i believe we've made some progress and changed a bit in who we are. i think this experience has opened my eyes to myself and who i am. i have so far to go yet, but now have some tools to help in the future.
this week's texts are about pressing on, how God is doing new things (isaiah 43, phil. 3, psalm 126). growth never stops, or it shouldn't. spiritual growth doesn't happen by default. i've been going around as though it did.
God has brought me on a great journey this lent season. i'm grateful for the chance to get to know myself better.
3 comments:
This is beautiful, my dear nephew. I am so happy to hear that you have been able to reconcile with the one who hurt you. I always figured that you would realize, once you left, that you would miss what you had out there. It always seems to work that way - we don't realize what we have until it's gone. But I trust that your new position will bring you great joy and satisfaction, and no regrets. Where have you been finding the sccripture references you've been reading for Lent?
Looking forward so much to seeing you guys soon. I'm glad I came and checked on you today.
I love the picture of your grandpa. Your other grandpa looked much like that in his youth (at least from a distance and in black and white!) It would be fun to have one of him along side. Amazing.
I've been lurking through your blog for some time now, and thought maybe I'd surface long enough to say I greatly admire your thought processes and the observations you make. You sound like a scholar, and obviously a teachable one.
Blessings to you both as you take the next step in your journey together.
Aunt B
Lucas, I am so thankful for the healing process that is taking place--at our home too. Good things happened yesterday that were very healing! Isn't God good? Sometimes we forget just how much!
Love you all!! (Excited to see you all too!!)
Jacque
Post a Comment