i came upon a realization

for Christmas this year i received 3 sweaters. one from my wife and two from my brother in law. i've nothing against sweaters, in fact i really like them and wanted a few. but a thought came to me in the wake of opening gifts: only dad's get sweaters for Christmas. not specifically dads as in fathers, but dads in guys who have somehow come to a point where people say: "mmm, not sure what else to get for him, so i'll just get a sweater." we get my dad a shirt and sweater every Christmas, probably have so for some years now. we got sherry's dad a few sweaters, too.

sweaters.

a few weeks ago i decided to go for a run. it was a little cold out, so i put on some sweats, a hoodie, and my shoes over my black sunday socks. it came to me at that point also that i've come to a crossroads. i'm that guy who just doesn't care anymore. at one point it probably did matter to me what i looked like going out for a run, but now i'm sporting some running shoes with black sunday socks, some sweats that don't fit very well, a big hoodie, and some really nice bed-head. and yet i walked out the door without shame.

that guy must be a dad. i bed he gets sweaters for Christmas, too.

i'm ok with it.

atticus finch?

last year i went to work at the youth ranch and the guys were watching "to kill a mockingbird" as a reward as some of them just finished reading the book. i've read it long ago and had once seen the movie although it never really meant anything to me. but something happened as i watched atticus finch go to bat for the accused tom robinson. he defended robinson to the end, while at the same time jeopardizing himself for being associated with tom and his family in the midst of a racist and ignorant community. atticus finch was spit on and shunned by many for doing what was right. harper lee truly created a man of high stature and quality in this noble character. atticus finch was the kind of man who did what was right without any care for credit or recognition. he loved his kids and gave whatever he was doing his all.

when i watched atticus' closing speech to the jury (read here) that day in the boys home, i was taken by the irony of the setting. i was listening to some of the most noble of words being delivered into the ears of our culture's youngest victims, criminals, helpless, and victimizers. these guys overall would be the ones to criticize atticus finch and spit in his face, not stand beside him, for standing beside him would be the far less popular thing to do. i sat there and prayed that in some way the amazing words coming out of finch's mouth would sink into thier minds for them to see that there's a better way that the narrow and destructive life they've known. i prayed they could see there is a higher road to travel, even though it's narrow and often times difficult. i prayed that i could be the kind of guy who would demonstrate the way of atticus finch, because the way of atticus finch is very much the way of the Kingdom.

Donald Miller

I'm reading a book called Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller and it's challenging my very way of thinking about every day life. I'm realizing how unbelievably and unnecessarily complicated I make things. It's as though reading this account of a trip from Houston to Oregon is showing me the daily grind that I find myself in is no less a journey than an extended road trip. God is revealing Himself in small things where so often I gloss over them without so much a passing notice. I've been in deep contact with my thoughts and am loving it. Last year while working at the Youth Ranch I read Blue Like Jazz, also by Donald Miller, which similarly found me where I was and helped me to process new and unexpected times. I appreciate how he writes and the level of honesty in which he approaches each sentence.

bread

this last week i have been strugging with a few people in how to relate to them despite some real irritations and annoyances. it's been effecting me quite a bit, always on my mind despite any efforts to move on or just forget it. i've tried rationalizing in effort to make sense of things, i've tried to look at the bigger picture... all to no avail. we've all dealt with stuff like this, no?

anyway... the church where i'm attending and on staff is in the process of changing our name, as part of a bigger process of "refocus" or "restart." i'm coming in on the tail end of things but have been lucky enough to be part of whats happening here. it's good stuff. anyway, our new name is emmaus road, a nazarene community. this may sound like a strange name, but it's got a pretty sweet story behind it. it's all based on the passage at the end of the book of luke where a post-resurrrection Jesus meets up with some disciples on a road leading to the town of emmaus. as they travel, they talk and for some reason they don't realize who He is. but as they journey and He explains the scriptures to them, making sense of all the things that have gone on recently. upon arrival in emmaus, they share a meal, where they continue to talk. it's in this time when they fully realize they're in the company of no other than a risen Jesus. later, they relate their experiences with other believers, saying, "He was revealed to us in the breaking of bread."

this idea of journey and breaking of bread has become sort of a model for ministry at our church. it just seems to me that the whole idea of journeying with Christ and with one another makes sense. we've had a new emphasis on breaking bread together much more often, in the belief that it's a real and tangible way that God reveals Himself to His people. today as we took communion together it was as though this passage of scripture came alive to me. as i took the bread and the cup together, i was overwhelmed with the realization that my issues with these people are covered by the very body and blood of Jesus. the very people i'm struggling with are people i love and take this journey of faith alongside. it was as though plain and simply the Spirit showed me that things will work out, the bigger reality was that we eat from the same table as His disciples. that's bigger than my petty annoyances. Jesus truly did reveal Himself to me in a new way through the breaking of bread with fellow travelers.

ode(r) to my wife

"Hon, do you smell that?" says wife.

"Smell what?" replies husband.

"Well," wife explains, "I bought this sweater yesterday at Savers, and I really like it. I didn't have time to wash it, but I really wanted to wear it to church today. It's so soft and I just wanted to wear it. But I kept smelling something, and I realized that this great sweater is saturated with the previous owner's B.O. It reaks something fierce. That's not my stench."

"Hmmm," wonders husband, "I'd better smell it to make sure you're not just trying to cover your tracks." To this husband sniffs his wife's armpit. After gagging, he comes to realize that his wife is telling the truth. This sweater truly is rancid.

"I told you so!" exclaims wife. "It's horrible! I'm going to have to close my arms the whole morning!" True enough, wife indeed closes her arms for the entire morning worship service. Lucky for her, we were invited to go out to lunch with some people from church. Fortunately for wife, she has an idea. "I think I'm going to rub some of this Germ-ex hand sanitizer on the armpits of this rancid sweater to see if it might help with the smell."

"Excellent thinking, my dear," says husband supportingly. And sure enough, the alcohol in the Germ-Ex indeed neutralized the horrid stench, saving wife from having to eat her wonderful Golden Corral meal with her arms plastered close to her body.

Thank you, Germ-Ex. You're truly a lifesaver. Let this be a lesson to us all: If you're ever caught in a church service with a not-washed thrift store sweater, use some hand sanitizer to help with the smell, thus making sure people know you did indeed shower, it's just the sweater that stinks.

Shane Claiborne Article

This is an article I pulled out of a weekly Sojourners newsletter. I thought it deserved further exposure.

More War Stories from Christian Soldiers (by Shane Claiborne)

Like Logan Laituri, I spent my Veteran's Day honoring one of my favorite Veterans – Martin of Tours. I spoke at the magnificent St. Peter's Cathedral here in Philadelphia on Sunday, and did my best to honor Martin's life and remember the millions of soldiers who have felt the collision of the cross and sword. A few thoughts from those reflections…

Martin was born during a confusing and tumultuous time in Christian history, in an age when war had become normal, routine, and habitual. And God's "blessing" was all over it. Martin was born four years after Constantine's legendary conversion which would mark the time when the renegade movement became the conquering State religion. During that century Christianity spread from 5 million to 30 million – everyone was a Christian, but no one really knew what a Christian disciple was anymore. The persecuted became the persecutors … and exchanged the cross of the martyrs for the sword of the soldiers.

And into this world, Martin was born. He was named after Mars, the god of war. His dad was a veteran, in fact a senior officer, of the Roman Army. And, like many of our kids, Martin entered the service as a young teenager to fight the crusades of the empire. And then there was an interruption.

Outside the gates of Amiens in modern-day France, Martin had a human encounter that would forever change him. He met a scantly-clothed beggar and was deeply moved with compassion. With very little to give away, he took off his military cloak and cut it in half, giving half to the beggar. Then he laid down his arms saying, "I am a Christian. I cannot fight." Later he would be taken to jail, insulted, and persecuted for deserting the army.

Over and over, the wars of nations have been interrupted by those human encounters. Centuries later, another young soldier named Francis of Assisi would lay down his weapons of war in the middle of the crusades to meet with the Muslim sultan. And that encounter would forever change him and the sultan. And now that same collision is happening in soldiers all over our empire who have laid down their weapons to take up the cross, to take up the Gospel of enemy-love and follow the Prince of Peace. Logan, Jesse, Zach, Scott, Chris, Tracey … and the list goes on and on. In fact, these former soldiers of war are building an army of conscientious objectors. We have now created a resource they have creatively named "Centurion's Purse" to help soldiers who feel the same call of Martin: "I am a Christian. I cannot fight." As a son of a Vietnam vet, I can think of no better way to celebrate Veteran's Day than by honoring them.

I am also reminded that when the prophets speak of peace, it does not begin with the nations. It begins with God's people who refuse to fight the wars of nations. It is the people of God who lead the nations to peace. It is people who refuse to kill their enemies, but choose instead to love them and to feed and clothe them. And the nations will follow. It is the people who begin to beat swords into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks. It is people like Martin who tear their armor in half so a beggar can keep warm.

Shane Claiborne is a Red Letter Christian, author of The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, and a founding partner of The Simple Way community, a radical faith community that lives among and serves the homeless in the Kensington neighborhood of Philadelphia.

My Little Man

silas turned one last week. i haven't really thought about it all that much until a few days ago when i spent the day at my parent's house painting the kitchen cupboards. i had the day off work and my dad said i could do some work for him. i went over and began the process of painting the cupboards an off-white color. it took me about 6 hours to do the job, but the time flew by. i have painted those same cupboards that same basic color probably 3 or 4 times in my life. it always felt like such a huge job, but this time it seemed like a joy. as i worked my way around the kitchen, painting the doors and inside frame i could see the strokes i made the times before. it has been probably 5 years since i last did it, but i vividly remember all the small mess-ups i hoped my parents and others wouldn't see. i like to think i'm a decent painter, but here and there are smudges in the cupboards and outside on the walls. i remember making those errant strokes and not catching them in time to try to wipe them up. anyway... throughout the whole time i couldn't help but think about my dad. he knew the job i'd done the times before, but somehow it just became clear to me that those times before i thought i'd painted so well it really wasn't about just having me paint the cupboards, it was about my dad giving me the chance to learn. i thought about how many times he didn't just sit down with me and tell me about life and how to live it. i watched him and that's how he taught me. i remember my "lawn mowing business" in high school when he continually helped me when the truck died, or helped me dump grass at the recycling place. i remember how i lost the church trimmer (still not sure how) and he didn't lecture me about how stupid it was for me to be so irresponsible, i just knew it and i knew i had to pay it back. i remember coming back in the dead of winter from a high school basketball game and leaving the truck's lights on the whole time only to have my dad wake up and give me a jump to get home. that happened numerous times. i remember ruining a lawnmower and unsuccessfully trying to fix it on my own so he wouldn't notice. he didn't chew me out, but let me learn what it means to make things right when i screw up. my dad has always been so patient with me. my dad has always been so supportive of me.

as my son turns one, i want to live in a way that shows him what it looks like walk with Christ and show Him to other people through the way i live. i hope i'm patient with him when he ruins a lawnmower or loses a trimmer somehow. i hope i have a good attitude when he locks his keys in the car or leaves the lights on in the middle of winter and i've already gone to bed. i'll let him paint the kitchen when he's 27 and needs a extra job to do, too.

Is this a bad time? Why yes, yes it is.

8:58 pm tonight the phone rings. "Hey, is Luke there?" "Yea this is Luke." "Hey Luke I'm calling to let our area know what great rates Allstate Insurance is offering this season." "Hey man, do you really think that 9:00 pm is the best time to do this?" "There really is no bad time for this good of a deal..." "No, this is a horrible time, and super annoying as well!!!!" "Well sir I'm sorry to bother you." "Yea, thanks."

"Our area" ??? The number was a Colorado Springs area code. I know because we just moved from there.

I don't think I've ever been so rude to another human being. I was pretty hacked off. Poor guy, he's just trying to make a buck. I guess I'm mad at Allstate, not the poor guy who I yelled at over the phone.

I'm riddled with guilt.

living in the skin we're given

I’ve had a tremendous last few days. I’m back up in Idaho for a bit of a conference and training. The training involved three other guys who are youth pastors at large churches around the northwest, though i'm the unoffocial youth guy at a church that has a teen population of zero. Crazy enough I’ve found myself being in community with them, learning, questioning, and experiencing Christian brotherhood like few other times in recent memory. We’ve been watching a conference over a webcast on postmodernism and youth ministry. It’s been awesome.

Our "meetings" have turned out to be more of table fellowship times with too much coffee. We presented some things from the materials we’re working through (BigPictureTraining.org), talked it all over, and worked through some of the media stuff. Somehow in the most unexpected way my soul has been refreshed with a renewed sense of self. Somehow in the fellowship of these few days, in the interaction with 3 guys whom I know a little, and one I just met, I have taken some huge steps in my Christian path. We met with a spiritual director this afternoon, something I’ve never done before. We sat and she led us in silence and contemplation. Here are some things I’m taking home with me:

I’ve worried too long and too much about becoming some sort of person or leader that I’ve seen in others. No matter how long and hard I have or could ever try to be like someone else I’d never succeed. It became clear to me as I sat in silence that I need (and we all need), to become comfortable in my own skin and quit trying to become in imitation of someone else. Don’t get me wrong I admire and look up to many people, but for me to fully be embraced by God and to develop into the person he made me to be I need to be just that: me. That goes for everyone, doesn’t it? The Kingdom doesn’t need imitations, but authentic people becoming who they were created to be. The image of God is the only imitation to be sought.

The ministry of the Kingdom is everywhere, not needing the approval of the church or church leaders in any way. So much of my worry is caught up in the fact that I’m not on staff somewhere betting paid full time to be a pastor. Sure it would be nice but it’s not my reality. I believe more and more that the opportunities I’ve had to work outside the church have shaped my faith and worldview as much if not more than my time within as a paid pastor. I hope I’m not just saying this to rationalize to being in full time church ministry, because I’d like to get back there, but I’m so thankful for the time I’ve had in new settings so different from my own. The opportunity I have in our new place and ministry has put two great things together for us: The ministry of the church and the ministry of being in a school. It’s a real tension that we’re learning to live in and still have a long way to go, but this is truly a unique time where I believe life has much to offer in the way of learning. Each day is a new journey of finding who I am in new ways while being stretched in my job and my job. I get paid for only one of them, but both are of equal importance. What an interesting time, I wonder what it will look like to reflect on these days where we’re being shaped so dramatically and on such a fast pace.

So much to look forward to. So many questions and apprehensions, but I’m leaving Idaho this time with a renewed sense of calling and peace within. This has been a time where shalom has truly been experienced. Not just a shalom/peace, but shalom/restoration.

I wish this for everyone. that we could experience more of God's shalom/peace/restoration in places of our lives where it's looked more like chaos. I has for me.

our nomadic tendencies

in recent days we have again shifted our location. we have returned to northern colorado in a move that came about in a surprising and strange way. in mid july i ran into an old friend of mine who is the lead pastor at the ft. collins nazarene church. we knew each other from working one summer together at golden bell camp during college. he's an amazing guy and a tremendous pastor. our paths crossed at the colorado district assembly and conversation hovered around his ministry and our mutual love for the city and people. as we talked he brought up the idea of going up there and joining up with him there. i thought it was a nice idea but didn't think it was very realistic.

sherry has having little to no luck finding a job in divide, so out of curiousity she applied for teaching jobs in ft. collins and loveland. she was offered one the next day, which seemed pretty amazing. over the next few weeks i emailed and talked to andy (the pastor in ft. collins) several times. i talked to my boss at camp before going up to visit on weekend and he was super supportive. we attended the church and spent more time with andy and his wife. everything in the process seemed to point us that way, and to sum things up we're now living again up here and enjoying things. sherry's teaching at her old school again, and i got a job at the same place working with ela (english language acquistion) students. i'm getting to work with spanish-speaking students all day, making phone calls home, and learning the language more and more each day. it's exciting and challenging work. my main role is to be a go-between for students/teachers, students/parents, and parents/teachers.

things at church are great. it's a small church of around 40-50 classified as a "refocus" congregation. andy came in for that job and is unbelieveable. he's a tremendous speaker and having the opportunity to come alongside and help him is so cool. i have the chance to still do some stuff with the distict nyi (nazarene youth international) and at school with a new migrant outreach project.

there are still unknowns and uncertainties we're facing, but it just seems like life is like that anyway. we're praying that the church will continue to grow and we can do our part. sherry is working at the school 75% with the understanding and continuted hope that it will increase to 100%. i'm doing my best faking and learning my way with an intermediate spanish background. all these things together have made up our new season of life after a stellar summer up at camp. i'm getting out to play disc golf as much as i can, but we don't have a sweet 18 hole mountain course across the street anymore. it's ok though. we're keeping up with our daily walks and have found a pretty good route around our neighborhood.

guess that's about it for now. until next time

the cutting edge, fully in the now...

yes, that is what i am. i am cutting edge. i am living in the now. i am culture-saavy. as of this week i officially know how to use an iPod, even to the point of getting stuff from iTunes on to my iPod. my brother in law gave us a old iPod a few months ago, but our ghettofied laptop is not able to handle such responsibilities. it shuts off every five minutes and i'm not smart enough to get my music off of the old media player. but... with sherry's new job she brought home a beautiful iBook laptop which has become the default around our house. i've practically lived on the thing getting old cds onto iTunes and then putting it onto the iPod. i'm so good at it that i've even subscribed to some free podcasts. so yes folks, watch out. if you see me driving around town, rest asure that i'm jamming out to some of my amazing music straight out the iPod, or perhaps enriching my spiritual journey with some sweet podcast i got without a doubt from a trendy and culturally hip site.

i am truly a valuable member of society at last. i am technologically empowered.

cairns and mentors

the past few weeks i've got to do a good bit of hiking. two weeks ago i took a group from claremore, oklahoma up pike's peak. we drove up a ways, but hiked to the peak from about 3 miles below. yesterday i finished a week of adventure camp by going up mt. lincoln. both were stellar hikes. i took this picture from a boulderfield on pike's peak. these sorts of piles of rocks are called cairns, something i've come to appreciate and think highly of. they're intended to mark trails were trails aren't easy to spot. on most high peaks above treeline trails are hard to form and even harder to follow, so these sorts of rock piles came about as a way to mark the best way to go. they're a pretty cool thing, really, considering that they're maintained by hikers as a courtesy for the next person to come along. i like to add a rock when i see one, as a way to appreciate those who have done so before, and to help others who might come along later. once i was hiking alone near long's peak and came to a stretch where i could not find any trail to speak of. it was a bit scary and i thought for a while that i was lost in the middle of nowhere. luckily these cairns popped up and marked a portion where it was necessary to constantly switch back and forth through the forest up a slope. this carried on for over an hour. i followed these as a way to know when to turn. when i would find one, i would look for another and know the right direction. without them i would have been in a mess.

my thoughts have lead me to think of these sorts of guides as a good way to think about our life of faith. it would be nice sometimes to just go about our business and not worry about investing in other people's journey. it's easier not to, really... but i've come to realize that without the cairns that mentors and other people have set out for me to follow, i would have many times lost the trail. it's as though they added rocks to the guide marks that others left for them, and now i have the responsibility and honor to perhaps do the same for others. i think we'd all be pretty lost without the body of Christ, despite all our imperfections and flaws. i'm pretty good at being critical sometimes of the trail that has been set out before me by the Church, but i need to remember that without it i would be wandering lost though unknown forests without direction. i still lose the trail sometimes, but am thankful for the piles of rocks that my heroes and friends have left for me to use as a direction and guide. i guess i just really want to be the sort of person who adds a rock or two to those piles so others can see the trail even better than i first did.

today a group arrived at the camp where we work. it's a group of kids that come from foster care and abusive situations. the counselors with them had to go through a big application and traing process, and are all around the most quality people i've ever met. they got here before the kids, madking huge posters with each kid's name on them, welcoming them to camp. i was lucky enough to be around when all the campers arrived. all the kids lined up inside the bus, and were announced by name as they came out. the counselor announcing them had this great big loud voice, too. it was awesome. when they walked out and their name was shouted, each were individually welcomed with a thunderous applause from all their counselors.

i've never seen anything like it in my life.

i sat there and watched with tears pouring down my face. i've never seen such a blatant display of love before. it changed me. i've never seen such obvious grace.

i hope that image never leaves my mind. i don't want to forget it. i understand God a little more now than i did when i woke up this morning.

Our Surroundings

Four Years Ago

Yesterday was my four year anniversary. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but it also seems like it's been forever since June 14, 2003. It's been the best four years of my life, no doubt about it. I feel so lucky to be married to my best friend. We've had so much fun together and been through more already than I ever would have imagined. I look at these pictures and like so many others I would say I had no clue who I was or what I was getting into. I guess I still don't really know who I am, but can easily say that getting married to Sherry was the best day of my life and the beginning of so much more than I ever imagined. It's not like we live this fairy tale life or anything like that, it's just to have her and to talk alongside her through life as a team is better than I could have ever imagined. Getting to know her each day is exciting and something I continually look forward to. I never imagined we would have two kids by now, but here we are. Parenting for me is an adventure as well, each day different than the one before. I love it. It's the hardest job I've ever loved.

I guess above all as I reflect about the last four years I'm just amazed about how much fun it has been to journey with someone else so closely. She knows me better than anyone else on earth, often times better than I know myself. She really is the best part of me. At camp where I work there are about six couples that have retired and live in the R.V. Park for the summer and volunteer their time and energy into camp life. As I talk to them I wonder how they were when they had been married a whole four years, as compared to fourty or fifty. What were they like? I'm starting to see they weren't much different than us. That makes me happy to think about. I have such a respect for them. They've faced trials, joys, unexpected turns, and just about everything else one could think of. But they've braved it all and come out still smiling, laughing, and serving God. They're more in love with their wives after fourty-five years than they were the day they got married. I want to be just like them. They're my heroes. I can't wait to see what comes about over our life together. Four years has brought more than my naive self on June 14, 2003 could have ever even thought about. I can't wait to see what the rest of our life looks like. I know it'll be rough at times, maybe more than I will ever want to deal with. One our wedding day there was thunder and lightening and rain, but I hardly remember it. Looking at that picture the clouds look dark, but the view is ubeatable. It was a beautiful day. Maybe that's what life is like. Even though there's dark clouds sometimes, the view is still pretty stellar if you choose to see it that way. But I'm believing that we'll love each other and be side by side each step of the way, stride after stride. I couldn't ask for anything more. God has blessed us. God has blessed me with her. God has blessed us with two awesome kids. I don't know what the future holds, I guess it doesn't matter that much. But what I do know is we're in it for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer (the more likely scenario), in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we both live.

I think that's pretty exciting.

I really love her a whole lot.

the new environment

well, things have been going pretty well in recent days. i've started a new job in central colorado near pike's peak at golden bell camp. i'm excited about the chance to be here, especially since two of my best friends are working here as well. sherry and i spent our summers here during college and so it feels like coming back to an old friend. i've been working almost two weeks now, but had to come a few weeks earlier than the rest of the family. i'm heading back up to idaho soon to complete our move. the summer is shaping up to be exciting. my friend levi is the program director here and hired me to help out with a few aspects of camp life. i've been learning and re-leaning a lot of things. at times i feel like a kid with a hand in a cookie jar it's not supposed to be in, hoping nobody notices. it's getting much better and i'm learning the ropes a bit more each day. yesterday it was forced upon me to fix a bunch of mountain boards (long skateboards with thick, fat wheels) asap. feeling very out of my league i spent the morning trying to piece together the wreckage that was our mountain board program. we started out the day with two working boards, but ended with six. i had a lot of help from a few folks, which was much appreciated. now i feel pretty confident in my abilities to fix the stupid things.

it's been quite a bit tougher than i thought to be away from my family. phone signal is pretty sketchy so i've been making a nightly trip into town to call home. all in all the transition thus far has been positive. i'm grateful for it. we'll miss our family in idaho a ton, but feel excited about the new opportunity. i'll try to post a few pictures when we're here and settled in a bit more.

hope all are well, take care.

some needed changes

in recent days so much has transpired. it's hard to know where to go or what to do with my thoughts. blogs have been far from my mind, but i enjoy the chance to write in a way that others might see and and think it's important for me to come up out of my shell for air once in a while and say hello to friends and family.

lent has been a time of tremendous growth for me, not only this year but in the past as well. i feel fortunate to be part of a nazarene church that embraces the church calendar and to help out in a youth ministry that observes seasons of the church as well as liturgical practices, such as the lectionary. i have tried my best to read each week's texts throughout the week and it has been an encredible experience. it has been as though the scriptures have followed my progression of life in the past few years. scary. i have been on a journey for some time internally to let go of self-pity, pride, and fear. that has sort of been my desire for lent, to let go of these destructive factors and somehow let, or hope that the Spirit would replace them with It's presence. so much of my life has been filled with these things that there has been little room for God to speak to me or even show me anything at all. i've been so selfish. so self-centered.

a big part of it all has been a strained relationship that has been a source of anger and resentment for me. it has been a cancer to my soul and has come to own me. about a week ago i felt very clear in my spirit to call this person and to somehow try to reconcile. it was hard, i basically held my phone and looked at it, talking myself in and out of the decision over and over. but in the end i did it. we talked for some time and came to a place of healing and understanding. in their words, "there's nothing between us, all is forgiven." i asked for forgiveness, and they did the same. it was a conversation that was long overdue, and a weight cast off my shoulders. i praise God for it. it has been very liberating to let go of that hurt once and for all. i know it will still be a journey, but a major crossroad is now in the past. i can't remember the exact scripture that made me realize the need, but the major point is that God has given us the ministry of reconciliation. i believe it is in one of the corinthian letters. i always read it as we are supposed to help others make nice with each other. again, so prideful. it was something i needed to do personally.

my outlook seems to be quite different nowadays. work isn't so bad, even though at work things are much more stressful than ever. but it's ok. there's less fear for me and more willingness to stick it out. i'm starting to see things i'll miss about our time here, even at work where it's been a struggle.

i can already see how much i've learned and regret some things i've done in our time here. but i believe we've made some progress and changed a bit in who we are. i think this experience has opened my eyes to myself and who i am. i have so far to go yet, but now have some tools to help in the future.

this week's texts are about pressing on, how God is doing new things (isaiah 43, phil. 3, psalm 126). growth never stops, or it shouldn't. spiritual growth doesn't happen by default. i've been going around as though it did.

God has brought me on a great journey this lent season. i'm grateful for the chance to get to know myself better.

cursed be the motorola razr

so when i got a cell phone a few months ago i was suckered into "getting a phone that will still be cool in 2 years when you get an upgrade," according to the 16 year old salesman at best buy. so i got one of those razr phones and i thought it was pretty sweet. i also was suckered into getting phone insurance, which i thought was a waste at the time. it's $5 per month.

phone insurance is worth the money for sure. over Christmas my daughter grabbed my precious razr and threw it into the toilet. ruined. so i got a replacement one for the price of the insurance deductable only to have the new one crap out on me already. now i'm on my third one. i'm starting to think they're not all that great. i didn't even do anything to my first replacement besides a small drop. small drops don't mean anything to the phone insurance nazis though. small drops are big enough to void a warranty. cripes.

so now i'm on my third razr and i think i'll baby this one a bit more. i'm a little hacked off though because i tried to be trendy and get a few cool ring tones on the first two phones. wasted money for sure. i think i'll stick with vibrate mode. ringtones are annoying anyway. i could care less if the guy next to me at wal-mart hears "you're beautiful" by james blunt each time his wife calls. i guess his wife loves him more than mine. i'm ok with that.

this has been a worthless post and i'm sorry to waste anyone's time who bothered to read it.

so... lent, huh? i'm trying to gather my thoughts about lent and figure out some stuff. not ready to write yet though.

have a good one.

kingdom (2)

i enjoy talking about this and i really like what was commented in the last post. the reality of the "already not yet" kingdom is a huge part of the conversation that deserves a lot of thought. that Christ's kingdom is an already but not yet reality really is the point of what i'm wrestling with. it's already here, making "appearances" in many different settings, but it in all truth has not come to full revelation. this is the paradox, the crazy tention that christians and nonchristians live in when it comes to the way of Christ on earth.

the kingdom is present in settings all around (starting in with my own perspectives again), regardless of the acknowledgement of those present. i think a good way to put in some holiness though is that in prevenient grace, the kingdom is at work even in the presence of "nonchristians." i firmly believe that God is at work where there is good happening, even if where that good is happening isn't under the banner of christianity. it's a strange way to think about it, but to think of the other extreme is quite limiting to God, is it not? that's why i made the statements in the last post about God really being at work even in agencies where it is not acceptable to even preach the gospel message. perhaps when people are getting real help and their lives are improving, God is at work. God can use even those who don't like him or what anything to do with him.

my real frustration comes in the form of another tension. as said before it's my firm belief that the church misses the point when spirituality is unbalanced with social action. "carpet theology" is a cool way to put it, i liked that a lot. just this afternoon there was a guy who came by the house i work in who was formerly the youth pastor at a nazarene church close to where i was at the last three years. he is working for the dept. of health and welfare and some business brought him by. he is just as much in full time ministy in my belief as he was before in the church. he's got a hard job, harder than being a youth pastor, i think. the tention and frustration i feel where i'm at is that i'm on the end of the spectrum that says social programs are the answer. i believe in what happens here, but it's quite limited when i (often) am bogged down by the enormity of the crap going on in our world. my little bubble i've lived in my whole life is all but gone. i have seen things i still can't believe are out there and rubbed shoulders with kids that are miracles to be only as rough as they are.

my firm stance is that the church's spirituality is great. social action for the good of the marginalized is great. but they have to go together for real transformation. the only hope i see in so many of these lives his a total life change through the power of God. i heard a pastor once say that only christian counselors are good and that people don't need any other kind of help. it was hard for me to hear that because i think it's way off. we need social action and social justice wherever it can come from, but the only real hope i can see is the hope that God brings to our lives. that doesn't mean we don't need top notch programs to help in recovery from many different struggles, because we do.

i just feel if we as christians believe what we say about God, we have to be spending just as much time washing feet as we do singing songs. it starts with me, i know this, because i don't have any room to be talking. i complain about my job to my wife on a daily basis. i guess i just am seeing more and more what being a "minister" needs to look like and is going to look like more in the years to come (for all believers). i love the church and an not trying to say that ministers in the church aren't doing the job of the gospel. i want to be in the church and hope to be again in that context of ministry. i guess i'm becoming a believer in the need for christian ministry to take place more outside the doors than in. i'm grateful for this opportunity to work where i do because i didn't see it before. my whole perspective is changing. and i think for the better. it's a hard change to accept, but needed.

kingdom

i've been getting to know the youth minister at our church and we've had a somewhat ongoing conversation that carries over from one time to another. like most everyone else in the world, when we get together (which is infrequently, unfortunately) we talk about the "Kingdom of God" and what the means. it seems we don't know, or at least i don't. the scriptures are a bit vague if you really think about it. when i say kingdom i don't mean heaven, i mean what Jesus was talking about all the time in regards to life on earth and what disciples do in response to God and grace and compassion and mercy... etc.

Jesus mentions (and this is admittedly a lousy proof-text) in Luke 17 that the kingdom of God is "in your midst." this could be taken a few ways i guess, but the way i tend to go with it (or at least right now) is that the kingdom is not some far away, post-earth heavenly existance, but the reality of the way of Jesus and how it is realized in the here and now. the kingdom is not of this earth, not shaped by our perceived rules of kingdom-ness, but in fact the occasions or occurances when Jesus is present and His real way of truth, justice, righteousness is realized in full-effect.

sometimes i think i get it wrong when i put my blinders to where the kingdom is showing up. i am trying to get away from the thought that the kingdom will only come when all things are said and done and we live in perfect peace forever and ever and ever. that is a pretty cool kingdom, but not what Jesus was always talking about (in my interpretation). in talking with my friend the youth pastor (super youth pastor, in fact) about my job with the juvenile-criminal-social outcast types we wondered a few things: i always had this perception that a "pastor" or "minister" had to be under the payroll of a church with a building (slight bit of scarcasm included). but is what this boys home does just as much kingdom work as what the church does? i think so... but with some further explanation needed.

i don't think the mainstream northamerican church does a good job with the balance of spirituality and the Biblical call to social and relational justice. i don't do a good job, either. has the church spent to much time and energy preserving the institution of church and not doing the work of the gospel/the kingdom? i would argue this point to be true. the church has taken the role of spiritual leadership in people's lives but in large part missed the just as important realilty of the social gospel. read the old testament and try to find a prophetic voice not calling the people to plead the case of the orphan, the widow, the alien, the sojourner in your midst!

back to my point about my job in a nonprofit agency working with teen boys from juvenile corrections and health and welfare. i will be the first to say that i don't think government agencies are the answer. but they are a start. the agency i work for does a lot of good. it's hard and unglamorous work. my friend asked if i thought what they did was "in the kingdom." my reaction is that it is... sometimes. my next thought then is this: is the church in the kingdom? again, sometimes. can a person be in the church and not in the kingdom? i believe so. can a person be out of the church and in the kingdom? i believe so. it's a strange dynamic and paradox that i have no answer for, just questions.

i've started to pray that i would have times when i would be able to see the kingdom when it is realized. sometimes i think it's just moments. other times i think it's an ongoing occasion. other times i don't have a clue.

help me

i've grown tired of the usual blog looks and admire those of you out there who can make their own and do cool stuff with it. i've made a few breakthroughs and some changes but i'm not sure how to use the skins that are all over the place and combine it with the cool stuff that the newer version of blogger had (links, side pictures...). if anyone knows anything or could throw me a bone that would be awesome.

gracias. hope all are well

a bit of news

one of my best friends recently was hired as the program director at a camp that we've both worked at in the past called golden bell in divide, co. over the past few weeks we've been talking and i'm grateful for the opportunity to go back to camp and work under him. he's going to do a stellar job leading the summer staff and camps, and i'll be working as the guy who sort of heads up the adventure programming sorts of things revolving around ropes, hiking and what not. my wife and i are so pumped to get going back to colorado to be part of something we believe in and work with some great friends. the dream is to develope over the next few summers a wilderness program that could be all summer long. as of now there are only two adventure camps planned each summer. hopefully we can build that up. i'm excited to have the chance to preach every now and again and to work with the summer staff that will be there.

i'm eager to get started...

Blue-er Like Jazz

I can't say enough about this book. In past posts I've given Donald Miller some shout outs but I feel the need to do it again. I want to go out and get everything he's written. I work until midnight three nights a week at the group home and so it gives me time to read since the guys go to bed at 9:30. Honestly I have a routine of watching Frasier, two episodes of Seinfeld, and The Tonight Show off and on, but I try to read at the same time. He's been talking about living isolated and living in community and what it sort of does to us. I was struck by it all. The isolated life that I've been living has sort of caused me to invent this world that only my house exists and what happens effects everyone else. I have failed to notice that other people have lives too. Words like self-centered come to mind. Christians aren't intended to live in this sort of way. Even monastics in ascetic practices don't experience solitude for the sake of solitude (well, some do I guess). We need people. We need community. I need people. I need community.

I've not been to church for a few weeks now. Our kids are sick so we've been marooned at the house for a few weeks but it has made me think about living isolated. During college I was a depressed wreck and don't imagine I was much fun to be around. I think I felt like I was on this one man search to find myself. It felt like nobody else understood who I was and what I was trying to figure out. I had to be the only person who ever really felt like I had something about myself I had to figure out. It was at this time I became a believer and somewhat a disciple of St. Francis of Assisi. We watched this old 70's movie called Brother Sun, Sister Moon about him in a class and it sent me into a frenzy to read every letter of every book about him. I believe like so many others that few people in the world have truly captured the message and life of Christ like Francis did. I became I person who wanted to live in such a way, or try to find a way to do it in the context of our culture. But I think for some time I missed the truth of his and Jesus' message about soliltude. Solitude is important, but it does not replace community.

My funk and depressed state began to transform when I saw the reality that God made us to live among each other and not alone. Sure we need time for personal prayer, meditation, and contemplation, but it is intended for the sake of who we are made real in the Body of Christ. When I began to see Jesus lived that way, and Francis lived and did everything with his order my whole world began to change. I think I forgot this in recent days. There's a lot of people out there with kids trying to find out how to serve God while being a parent with sick kids and not having a clue what to do. I'm not solo. Francis never tried to go about his life solo. Jesus didn't either.

No creative title comes to mind

I've very much lost motivation to write anything on here over the last few weeks. We had a good Christmas with both my wife and my families. Her family few us down to meet them in Arkansas (yep, Arkansas) and we spent a few days down there. They're not from Arkansas but it was designated the family meeting spot this year. I was pleasantly surprised about how it was down there. It seemed to me much like eastern Oklahoma and southeast Kansas. I guess this is because it's the same area of the country and it touches those two locations. Duh. I must say that one of my favorite things in my life is spending time with Sherry's family. They are so awesome and I look forward to it so much. Her brother and sister in law are so much fun to be with and I hope one day we can live closer. He lived with us one summer working with me at church and it was such a blast.

Not sure where to go with my thoughts today. Sherry wrote a list of great things (Franklin Avenue, see link) that happened in 2006 and for the most part I'd have to say ditto to it all. We were sitting and talking as we do so much and it really hit us that we'd like to forget this past year for the most part. There were some great times for sure and it'd be sin not to remember them fondly, but it just seems like for the most part I hope that 2007 brings better times. Better times, or at least the spiritual growth needed to handle things better and more positively. Maybe that's a better way to look at it.

If I had a resolution it would be to keep growing and taking steps forward. I see the danger in myself of comparing my life, talents, circumstances, and lot with others. This is a dangerous trend for me. The Lord has really been challenging me to simply be me and to let other people be other people. I want to embrace who I am in it's fullness and let God do what He wants with it. Whatever that is and looks like has got to be far better than trying to imitate the successes of others and thinking that what they do is the only route to obedience and happiness. It's not. My head knows that but my heart needs to embrace it.

Another resolution is to stop eating Little Caesar's pizza. We got one last night and I'm still feeling the effects. Sure they're cheap and taste like a slice of golden heaven, but it tore me up. No good at all.

My brother in law got me a cd by a band called Leeland. It's good. They're good.

That's all I can muster today. Hope that everyone is doing well.