Blue Like Jazz

I'm reading this book called Blue Like Jazz and it's pretty sweet. I'd recomend it to anyone. Yesterday I read a conversation in it between the author and a friend that broke open my old and dusty perspective on repentence and forgiveness:

" ...I mean the idea that you want to confess. I think that God is wanting a relationship with you and that starts by confessing directly to Him. He is offering forgiveness."
"You are not making this easy, Don. I don't exactly believe I need a God to forgive me of anything."
"I know. But that is what I believe is happening. Perhaps you can see it as an act of social justice. The entire world is falling apart because nobody will admit they are wrong. But by asking God to forgive you, you are willing to own your own crap."

Forgiveness is an act of social justice. I like that a lot. He talks a lot (so far at least, I've not finished it yet) about how easy it is to protest stuff we don't like but fail to look inwardly at our own broken selves:

"I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles of our reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems of the world on a group, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest..."

http://www.donaldmillerwords.com/index.php

Here's to you kid portrait photographers of the world

I feel bad for those poor folks who have to take pictures of young kids for parents who come in with great aspirations of beautiful pictures of their perfect kids. We went in today and our daughter was off the wall. She was afraid, crying, and clingling to us. Then there was our 2 month old son who just laid there happy as ever. So to humor us she starts taking pictures of Silas hoping to intice Brek to hop on in. 10 minutes later the wife is sitting under the backdrop sheet trying to hold them. Brek looked at the lady a few times but by then Silas was sick of it and scowling and crying. The lady didn't even pretend to be patient. She sighed over and over and rolled her eyes constantly. I don't think it helped either that today was the last day to take pictures if you wanted to have them back before Christmas. Of course we're sitting there apologizing and telling her of course our kids are never usually like this.

Riiiiight. Not like every parent with their crazy kids not sitting still has tried to sell that one, too. So we looked at the few pictures she tried to take and there was no way for her to even pretend like some of them were good. It was hilarious. She was like, "Well.... maybe you could reschedule and come back another time." No attempt to even remotely sugar coat it at all.

So we took about a 15 minute break and tried again with another photographer. After another fiasco with the same stupid baby sounds and props to make them laugh, we got one decent picture. I hope that those people make some good money, because they sure didn't earn it today with our cupon for a $8.95 picture package.

They will know we are Christians by our video games

Here is a link to a radio bit about a new video game stemming from the Left Behind books. It's an interview that my uncle in England was a part of. He always has great perspectives.

Left Behind goes interactive

My leg or the boat?

I've started to help out with the youth group at our church recently. I'm excited to be back into the Wednesday night youth meeting setting. My assigned task is to be a small group leader for the 6th grade boys. They kept telling me that these boys are a handful and as a youth staff they're still trying to find the best way to work with them. But I'm up for the challenge and have gone for a few weeks now. The first night was game night and we just played dodgeball. It was 6th graders vs. the world and we owned the gym. Well, not really, but I did manage to take a crippling hit to the bid'ness. It hurt. This week we were talking about worry and what Jesus said in Matthew 6. I thought I was doing well, really getting these guys to think about stuff and stay on task a little bit. This one kid just out of the blue was like, "Hey I have a question!" "Right on, man," I say, "Let's hear it!" He says in all seriousness: "If you were stuck on a desert island, would you eat your leg or your boat first?"

Maybe I'm not challenging these guys enough. When I was in Loveland one of my guys was lamenting over the fact he couldn't find a job that provided good benefits. I was confused about why a 15 year old kid would need a job with benefits. So I sarcastically asked if he was looking for some good dental or a health plan... to which he responded, "No, I want a job where I can get free rentals or free food while I'm working."

Perhaps I'm losing the teenage perspective. You can't even eat a boat, unless it was made of cheese or something.

The New Me

In recent days my wife has commented over and over that a lot of what I say seems to be directly out of my dad's mouth. It happens frequently. Very frequently. It's all completely common sense stuff that if she would just listen to and we could put into practice, our lives would be greatly blessed. She seems to think it's funny.

I just never realized how truly GENIUS my dad is.

29. Nov. 06

sometimes i get embarrassed about things i write or tell people when i later think about how they might have perceived it. not that the most important thing is to please others and that it's not good to express feelings or thoughts honestly, but it changes how i view my own perspectives. this last week i've really thought it funny how perspective changes everything.

you should be thankful that you don't have to go to school and do work like i do in kindergarten. you don't understand how hard fractions are, you're only in 2nd grade. elementary school was so easy, just wait until you have to remember a locker combination and go to different classrooms like i do in middle school. so you thought middle school was easy... just wait until you experience high school, it's so much homework and stress. college is tough, i never remember having to write a 30 page paper in high school. the single life was cake, adjusting to marriage is stressful. oh man, having a baby changes everything. sure was easy only having one kid. remember the days when we only had two kids? i wish our kids were still babies, it was easy then. it's so stressful having kids in school. i don't want to send my kids to high school. how are we supposed to pay for our kids' college? i just lost my job. my car broke down. our house needs renovated... i guess it does't stop.

i speak all of this to myself because i'm the king of inward thinking and not realizing that everyone has their own junk to deal with, it's just different than mine. a lot of folks probably wish for my issues because theirs are so much harder.

am i way out there or just in a phase or something? someone help me out here...

thoughts from the boys home

each day i come home from work amazed by the new ways the guys i work with find to be ingrateful. from the biggest problems to the pettiest little issue, they find ways to compain, bicker, and fight.

i think gratitude is a discipline.

this holiday weekend wasn't business as usual at work. the schedule at work was filled with great food, free time, seeing families, watching movies with snacks, watching more movies with snacks, and privileges that aren't the norm. but for some reason it was probably the hardest weekend i've been around for. complaints, ingratitude, and pettiness are heavy burdens to bear. there have been weeks full of physical confrontations, fights, etc.. and weeks like this one. i'll take the fights. they seem to be easier to deal with. the heaviness of these crappy attitudes have been stressful, tiring, and difficult to be around.

but i come home and realize that i'm not much different.

to live full of pessimism and ingratitude is a tiring way to go about things.

i'm so tired.

gratitude is a discipline. i want to be the kind of believer that lives optimistically and gratefully but i'm so far off. i heard a quote (not sure who said it) and even preached on it that "for those who are grateful, all things are a gift." i believe this but have come to think the more that goes on and the more i deal with the harder it is. i once considered myself a laid back sort of a person, but as the days go by i feel like i'm becoming more and more stuck in my ways and less and less go with the flow.

i'm tired, but i want to live the discipline of gratitude.

i've so much to be grateful for. to live the life that i've been given is a blessing that i can't get over. i want to be grateful today. i think it takes practice and an intentional mindset. i think it takes a Spirit-filled soul. i think it takes the grace of God changing me a little more each day to be more like Him.

i want to start today.

Loyalty

I was blown away at work tonight by something I saw. Each week most of the guys where I work get an hour visit from family and one of them has visits each Sunday night. Week in and week out his parents come, as well as numerous brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews, and neices. Tonight there were 12 people crammed into the visitation room. What's so amazing about it is that they all live a good 2-3 hours away from here. But week after week they come. They laugh, the tell stories and enjoy seeing their family member who's made mistakes enough to get him into a group home. I love this kid. What I love more than anything is that he is not a citizen, but part of an immigrant family from Mexico. When he makes phone calls home I have to check who he's talking to with my less than ideal spanish and he just laughs at me and thinks it's so funny. So when his enormous family comes it's as though I'm back in Mexico or Peru with the people who have shown me what real love in community looks like. There's nothing more important than family and those you love. They care more about driving 2 or 3 hours on a Sunday evening to see their son, nephew, brother than taking it easy before the work week starts. People matter. Event-orientation takes precident over being a slave to the clock.

I wish I was more like my Spanish brothers and sisters. I've a lot to learn. It's as though each Sunday night I get a glimpse of what the church is supposed to be like. Each Sunday night I see what compassion and forgiveness to those who don't have it all together looks like. Each Sunday night I see a demonstration of love even though I can't understand the majority of what they say. The spanish culture has so much to teach our egocentric way of life. At least that's the way I see it.

la familia

Here's a few pictures of the kids in recent days. Breklinn is non-stop in everything. She cracks me up. This morning she woke us up at 3:45 and I went in to check on her. She greeted me with a polite little "Sup, dad." It's hard to be mad at that, even at 3:34 am. I was trying to discipline her the other day, giving her the choice between time out or shaping up, to which she replied after a few seconds, "juice???" I didn't know that was an option. I'm such a pushover.

Silas eats, poops, and grunts like a champ. He was so skinny a few weeks ago but is starting to pack on the pounds. He almost has the rubber band wrists. I never thought I'd have two kids at 26. But I never thought I could love it so much.

Violence & Shalom

Not sure where to go with my thoughts today. They stem from some reading of 2 Kings 9-10 and some commentary. This portion is about a bloody revolution by a man named Jehu who has been anointed king over Israel. He with his followers go on a rampage of bloodshed to purge Israel from the impurities of the house of Ahab & Jezebel and their succeeding families. Many are killed, to the extent of completely wiping any family off the face of the earth. In the end it is said, "the LORD said to Jehu, 'Because you have done well in executing what is right in My eyes, and have done to the house of Ahab according to all that was in My heart, your sons of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel."

The commentary had some good insights. "Modern readers need no reminder of how easily high-principled revolutions deteriorate into bloodbaths. Jehu impresses us as one of the Old Testament's most modern characters. What is harder for us to come to terms with is the claim that God was behind all this bloodshed and betrayal and that God's intention was to reinstitute shalom by means of violence. Is it really possible to create peace with violence? On the human level we know that his will not work. Peaceful ends can never justify violent means, because in our world the means inevitably contaminate the ends. Our ethical decisions about violence (war, revolution, capital punishment, abortion) are always a matter of compromise, leading at best to partial shaloms, thoroughly leavened by the violence we must employ to achieve them." (Interpretation, Richard D. Nelson)

Nonviolence, and even more, the pursuit of true shalom is really overlooked by Christians. I don't understand why the Christian agenda has revolved around the use of violence for so many years (SO many years). Where the OT is involved, there is much to be said about culture and other issues around worldview & violence (Read Brian McLaren's A Generous Orthodoxy for great thoughts about this, especially ch. 10). But in today's world and sadly even the church one is seemilgly exiled and painted with the liberal brush if nonviolence is made an issue. Sure we need to be nonviolent in our every day lives, but on the national scene it's a different story. Iraq is a perfect issue with this. I claim no grand opinions or expertice, but with a coming shift in government I really don't see nonviolence being as much an issue as promised. Pulling out troops and finding other ideas to pass the buck seems to be the agenda. What would happen if we truly took a Biblical stance of shalom and made true peace, not just for Americans but for Iraqis, Iranians, Palestinians, Israelis as well? This is a big issue and it's not going to work to just say "Hey, let's all just hold hands here and be friends," but where has violence ever gotten us? It's deepening hatreds on all sides.

It's all easy to say, tough to do. I'll be the first to say that. It's easy to sit here and write this from my comfortable home. All I'm wondering is this: What would it look like if we made true shalom for all the focused agenda and thought violence to be a non-means?

People might suffer. Christians certainly would if we tried to be peacemakers on a bigger scale. Many already are. Seems to me like we'd be living out the Kingdom as Christ did and taught us to do.

31. October 2006

I whisper,"You don't have to worry, we'll survive"
Forced smiles underneath the brittle, frozen light
No proof that you're alive
Cold fingers find the curve below your tired eyes
No comfort in familiar places, not this time
You hold it deep inside

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

No flood warnings, still the waters rise
Flowers through asphalt, Diamonds in the pockets of your eyes
Turn your face and hide

I saw a woman with ribbons in her hair
Old and lonely, so beautiful I had to stop and stare
The well will not run dry

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

Cry Sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
It'll be alright
Baby, even angels cry

Baby, please don't worry
Not tonight

Even Angels Cry (Jars of Clay, Good Monsters)

Cleanup

Yesterday I went out to the back yard to do my job of ridding the grass of dog crap. This is a job that I neglect pretty well, so when I get out there it can take a few minutes. We have two dogs, one is a little bigger and the other medium sized. No matter their size, they can poo like champs. So when I only get out there every week or so it really adds up. My preferred method of cleanup is to take one of those cardboard 12 packs of Cherry Pepsi, cut out the top, and scoop it all in with a small garden shovel. As I was walking back and forth in the yard looking for piles, it struck me how much of my life now deals with the waste of my kids and dogs. Silas' diapers are changed every few minutes, or at least it seems that way, and Brek is still doing her job as well as ever. So I figure I'm getting pretty good at it. It's not even that gross anymore. Well, sometimes, but there's nothing you can do about it. So when are you supposed to start potty training, anyway? I'm game.

I guess it makes me apprecaite plumbing. It also makes me miss working at camp because you could just take care of business at the convenience of the nearest tree or bush.

Silas

Here are the first pictures of our new baby. He was born a few days ago weighing 6lbs, 15oz. Sherry did an amazing job throughout labor and I'm so proud of her. We went in pretty early in the morning and he came pretty close to noontime. I don't think it has really sunk in yet, but soon will I'm sure. We're home and all are doing well.

Vomit

Sometimes I wonder about throwing up and all its intricate details. Why are some people pukers and some aren't? I come from a good puking family. When we're sick, we puke, and we puke a lot. My sister is perhaps the best, because she's had two kids and with that came a lot more experience around the porcelain. Why is it that other people don't puke so much? I always just thought it was a natural part of life. But as I've learned there's a lot of folks out there who are deathly afraid to throw up and will avoid it at all costs. My wife is one of these people. In the 6 years we've known each other she has thrown up one time. She claims that has been the only time since she was very young that she has thrown up. After we were married the first time I got sick I asked her to get me a puke bucket for next to the bed and she thought I was kidding. "Puke bucket? What's that?" is what she said. A good puke bucket was standard issue being sick gear around my house.

Why though? What's to fear? I always feel so much better afterwards, it gives you a good half hour window of feeling really nice before the flu or whatever sets back in. Puking isn't the problem, puking is the answer for your body trying to get rid of the problem, isn't it? My daughter is one year old and already a puker. She's just like me, she throws up and then is super pleasant afterwards. I really don't like it when she pukes or is sick, but she has already shown herself to be from my side of the family with this issue for sure. I can remember at camp a few years ago the theme was "Fear Factor" and the teens had to do some crazy stuff. One game involved eating some stuff that I personally would not even touch and didn't really comfortable about my students ingesting. One of my senior high guys ate it all down, impressing all the chicks and winning the game. Shortly afterwards I went out in the woods with him and made him throw it all up because I thought he'd get sick. He wasn't a puker so really struggled with it. I could have thrown up for him just by watching. Gross.

Random entry, yes. Thought provoking, for sure.

Night Shifting

So the night shift guy here called about an hour before he was supposted to come in and is sick so i'm taking this opportunity to do my first night shift. I've been here since 1 in the afternoon and will be here until 6am. It's no big deal though, I figure I'll be taking a few days off when the baby comes so this is a good way to help some other guys out because they'll be covering my back soon enough. Everyone is in bed so hopefully it will be a quiet night. Knock on wood. Every now and again someone will come out to go to the bathroom or something, but other than that it's just going to be checking the rooms every half hour, reading, or watching TV until morning. Not too bad.

Sherry is due pretty much any time, which is the only bad thing running though my head. I don't really want to have the experience of sprinting out of here in the middle of the night, but if so it'll be alright. We're pretty ready, or I should say she is pretty ready for the boy to come. I'm getting anxious for the experience of watching him come into the world. I have the easy part, Sherry's probably not as eager for that phase of the process to come about. So I guess I'll just settle in for the evening. Jay Leno and Conan will be my companions, followed by a movie from the house library perhaps.

the best

there's nothing better than this. we went to the zoo today with brek and she loved it. i think i loved it more, though. the animals were cool, but walking around with her on my shoulders was the best. i always looked at little kids and parents walking around and thought that it was a world that i wasn't all that eager to be part of. but now i can't think of anything i like more than when she rides on my shoulders and plays with my hair and ears. i think about when the next one comes and what it will be like to have a son. in some strange way i'm really looking forward to the challenge of it all. the sleepless nights when kids are puking or crying seem to fade away in my memory as compared to days like today. there's so much i want to do in this life: places to go, things to do, goals... but on a day like today i feel like i've got it all. walking around the zoo with the family is pretty sweet. i can get used to this. i know that when they get older things will be different and i think that's why i want to have her ride on my shoulders and carry her as much as possible. it's only been a year and a half, but i can already see that these days will be short and she won't always want me to carry her. so in the mean time i'll pass on the stroller and carry her as long as my shoulders and arms can take it.

Confession

This is a public confession and apology to the little girl who now doesn't have a cat anymore. Driving home tonight a cat looking much like this one dashed out in front of our car and I 100% crushed it. There was no chance of avoiding the confrontation, I didn't even see the thing until it was right by my left front tire & headlight. So for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

But this thing was HUGE!!!! It seriously shook the car! It all happened so fast, it was crazy. I've never liked cats really that much, in fact I'm deathly alergic to them, so I don't really feel that bad. I'm not out to kill cats, but there was no avoiding it tonight.

Man, that cat was big. If it had nine lives, it used up every one of them with it's collision with a subaru. May God and St. Francis have mercy on my soul.

Working

i've worked at my job now for almost two weeks. thus far it's just been training, reading, and observing how things tend to go. there are a load of small unwritten rules that you just have to learn by being there for a while. it's fun but frustrating at times. basically my whole role is to just be there and get to know the ten guys living there. they range from private placements from concerned parents to boys with heavy criminal records. fights are pretty common but nothing has happened while i've been working. last time two boys got into it in the morning but i didn't get there until later in the day. the sherif had to be called and charges were filed. interesting stuff.

it's strange to me because it's just like hanging out with normal kids like in youth group or something most of the time. there's a bit more colorful language and the programming is different, but it feels the same. some days it's boring, other days it's pretty fun. some days it feels like and eternal thursday of summer camp and friday will never come. i'm trying to see how success is measured and how i blend in to this program with who i am and what i bring to the table. i have a load to learn before i can really get rolling, though. tomorrow i have to go to a training all day for things like cpr, first aid, and restraints... i've always wanted to know how to successfully restrain someone. i sort of hope i never have to do it though. i already have good stories to bring home, though. funny stuff.

Pastor Elvin Diaz

This is a picture of Pastor Elvin Diaz of Arequipa, Peru. I had the priveledge of meeting Elvin on my trip to Peru last June. He is 26 years old and pastors one of the Nazarene Churches. When we were there Elvin worked every day with us at the District Center construction site. We got to talk a lot and getting to know this brother was by far the highlight of my trip. Elvin is like no other person I've ever met. His has a heart for ministry and loves the people he ministers to. His commitment to the Gospel and the Kingdom is like no other I've met. His heart is full of compassion and tenderness. In this picture with him is his fiance, Ruth Carolina. In the past few weeks I have stumbled upon MSN messenger again after a few years of not ever signing on. To my suprise, I have had the chance to talk with Elvin on several occasions already. Our conversations consist of brief comments in my broken spanish and his broken english. We use translation websites, and manage to get by. In the short week I spent with Elvin he changed my life completely. He gave me a new perspective on life, loving others, and ministry. I can only hope and pray that one day our paths might cross again. Until then we will continue to email, chat, and pray for one another. If you would pray for Elvin and Ruth Carolina I would appreciate it so much, and so would they. He has a true vision for his church and for his community. South Peru is a difficult area for ministy, and he is on the front lines loving others with Christ's love and compassion. I hope that I can one day be like him. He is truly one of a kind.

Grateful

This week was a very good week for Sherry and I. I had applied for a job over 3 weeks ago with a boy's home here in Nampa. I had an interview and was pretty excited about the idea. Over the next few weeks after phone calls weren't returned and I hadn't heard anything I sort of gave up hope and was applying for other things. It has been discouraging not being able to find anything, applying for job after job and really nothing ever coming through. It's hard not to take things personally when it's just rejection over and over. I applied and had an interview to drive a school bus a few days ago and shortly after got a call from the house and the next day I was there filling out my paperwork. I was shocked to hear from them, but so grateful. I'm going to work a night swing shift 5 days per week as a youth counselor. At this house there are around 12 guys the come from corrections and juvenile facilities. It's sort of like a step between juvi and home. The emphasis is lifeskills and empowering the boys to be able to be back in society. I have training next week and the week after where all I'll do is read policies & observe how things go. I'm really excited about it. I know it's going to be a huge challenge with a lot of stuff I've never seen or experienced before. I have a feeling my naive shell will be shattered pretty quickly. Everyone that I've talked to has already told me that if you're not being cussed out and told that you should be fired on a somewhat regular basis then you're not really doing your job. Awesome. It's going to take a huge shift in mindset for me, and I'm excited about it. I think it will be a difficult challenge and a lot to learn. But all that being said, I'm eager for the new adventure and grateful that the Lord provided this opportunity.

It just sort of feels like we've turned a corner in our mindset here with this. It was sort of like a hurdle that we really needed to cross mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I keep thinking to myself what sort of attitude I've had in these days. It has been difficult, no doubt about it. But is my joy, happiness, etc, based on my circumstances? I hope not, but can't help but feel like it is. I don't feel like we've "arrived" at some place now because I actually found employment. Nothing's changed, really, if you think about it. Or has it? I wonder and don't have a real answer. One of my friends from around here came over the other day when I found out about the job. We've both been looking for jobs and both recently moved here. So we've talked about it a lot. As we talked I didn't know that to say, really. I hadn't changed. But I had the good fortune of finding something where he has not (yet). I know he will, he's more skilled than I am in pretty much everything. I didn't want to say anything to be encouraging or whatever, because just the day before I was equally annoyed when people tried to chime in with their two cents about job searches. All I can say is that if I found a job, so will he. And we'll go on being friends just like always, whether employed or not.

So I've reached no conclusions in my mind at all. All I know is that many prayers have been answered and I'm grateful for a job that I'm excited about. I've a lot to learn, but am eager to do so. Thanks for your prayers, if you are reading this and have been praying for me. They have been felt and I am very thankful.

Rapture: The best way to screw up the goodness of God, theology, & heaven

Heaven is an interesting topic to think and talk about. Sherry and I have been going to a young married folks Sunday school class in recent days. We've enjoyed it since we've never really been able to be in a class like it before. We got in on the last few studies of a book that they had been going through and so I don't have a huge grasp on what it has been about. This Sunday we talked about heaven the whole time. If you stop to think about it, how often do we really talk about heaven? I can't think of that many times I have really sat down and discussed it. At first we talked about fluffy stuff that we think about it, but eventually we got into a deep conversation about our real feelings on the issue. I was shocked to discover just how fearful people can be about it all. I was really taken back to hear people bring up feelings of fear and distaste for the topic of heaven. I had feelings and suspicions why this was so, but soon enough the root of the issue came out: The dangerous, ridiculous, and hurtful beliefs of rapture theology. I was hearing people say things like, "I don't want Jesus to come back, because I want my kids to be able to have kids," and "it makes me mad that I don't think new life can come in heaven because I want my family line to go on" and "i don't want to have to sing to God for eternity." While the thought of singing hymns and chorus for eternity doesn't really bring me much excitement, I think rapture thought has ruined a whole lot of truth and goodness in God and His nature.

I hate rapture theology, everything about it. It was created out of thin air through a young girl's vision in 1830 Scotland and adapted by a British evangelical preacher named John Nelson Darby. It really took off with a few movies such as A Thief in the Night, Apocalypse, Revelation, and Tribulation. Books like Hal Lindsey's The Late Great Planet Earth and of course the great works of our generation, Tim LaHay & Jerry Jenkin's Left Befind series have all somehow created this cloud of fear and confusion, and in some baffling way become common thought among most Christians. I could go on and on about my distaste and outright hatred for rapture theology, but it wouldn't really accomplish much. If you want to really read a good work on the issue that is straightforward and outright brilliant, read The Rapture Exposed: The Message of Hope in the Book of Revelation by Barbara R. Rossing. It is truly incredible and has really helped me sort of the issue. I think it should be required for every person to read this book. The information above in this paragraph is from Rossing's book.

Back to the topic of heaven. Everything that I read in the scriptures talks of the end of all things as being the final coming together of everything in the most beautiful way possible. Reconciliation, peace, no more divisons, not more wars. Read Isaiah, read Revelation... God never lays out a plan for how it will end, He only offers hope in the midst of the likely case of things getting tough on His people. Suffering is inevitable. It's coming. It's here. It's been here for years and years. I wonder if rapture thought is big in places like the Middle East and Africa amongst Christians enduring unbelievable "tribulation" every day and it has been going for a whole lot longer than 7 years. We're in it for the long haul, good or bad. We're the ones called upon to be the bringers of hope. We're called to be salt & light. I don't consider myself an expert on the issue, but I do believe we have reason to hope, and I find that reading the very scriptures that people like Hal Lindsey and Tim LaHay have warped into anything but hope. The futue is open ended, and we have the task of bringing reconciliation into the chaos, not standing back while things get bad feeling confident that we're going to get whisked away right before it really goes to hell. We need to read the Bible in it's proper context: A message of hope given to people for specific reasons in specific times. We've messed up enough in the church these days and in the past, I hope that we can bring a bit of reason and hope to the most distorted of things in theology.

These quick thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg. It was mainly a way for me to vent about last Sunday's unbelievable conversation. One last thought on the issue though: I need to be more understanding and less judgemental towards people who believe this stuff. It is so widespread that most don't even know that it's not Biblical, but have just been fed it their whole lives. In the context of rapture thought, I taught my teens and others to focus on Jesus and living in His image, living in love according to His message and not making the end times the big order of the day. But, I get so caught up in trying to show people how dangerous rapture is and forget the bigger message of living in Christ's image and love. This Sunday and following few days have been good for me. Challenging, frustrating, but good.

The New Love of My Life

A while back I was introduced to the game of frisbee golf. At first I thought it was ok, not a bad way to walk around the park. I sucked at throwing frisbees, so it wasn't really that big of a thrill. When we'd go we would see these guys out on the course carrying a bag with them packed full of like 20 different discs. These hard core golfers promptly became the butt of all our jokes. Why on earth would you need more than one? A driver disc? Mid range? Approach? Putter? It was pure craziness. Why don't you just get a stupid frisbee and throw it? A few weeks ago a few friends and I went out to play at Ann Morrison Park in Boise and met one of those hard core guys we liked to make fun of. He was alone and asked to play with us. He no joke had probably 25 discs in his bag, a towel to wipe them off when they got wet or muddy, and a nice side pocket for his water bottle. So here's us walking around with our one or two discs, fetching them out of the water every hole and trying not to look like idiots in front of him. As the round went on he educated us on the finer points of the game, the big differences between the discs and how some play to strengths and others are worse for certain sorts of thowing motions. Wow... I now am a lover of the game and last time we played we all have 3 or 4 discs, being carried around in bags. We frequent the Innova (disc brand name) web site and see which discs would fit our game best. I guess I wouldn't mind being one of those guys that new players make fun of. It's a lot of fun, after all. I'm such a hypocrite! But that's ok. I just want to be like this cool guy in the picture. I bet he carries around a bag with a water pouch, too.

Readings

The Spirit of Jesus provides a way for us to live on the surface and out of the depths at the same time. On the surface we can think, dialogue, plan, and be fully present to the demands of the daily routine. Simultaneously, and deeply within, we can be in prayer, adoration, thanksgiving, and attentiveness to the Spirt. The secret places of the heart become a sanctuary of praise in the noise playpen of the marketplace. After weeks and months of practice, relapses, discouragement, and returns to the center, this discipline becomes a habit. Brother Lawrence called it "the practice of the presence of God." (Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins, Sept. 7)

To think about progressing towards centered-ness to God seems like craziness to me right now. I've become so uneasy and anxious to be on with things and to come to a place of understanding that the farthest thing from my mind is slowing down and centering things "on the surface and out of the depths." I wrote one of my teachers/leaders last night and he really helped me to see things in a few new ways. He encouraged me to read Psalm 126 and Isaiah 35. Good readings to help my perspective.

I think fear is a big part of my life right now. I've never been strong at reaching for favors, jobs, references and stuff like that. All the jobs I've had in my life have happened through people I already knew or through word of mouth. I've applied for jobs, done new & uncomfortable things, but the process right now is daunting to me. I'm struggling to find even the simplest job. I'm terrified to really go out and put myself out on the line because it has been one disapointment after another, for quite some time. I try not to take things personally, but that is getting harder and harder to do. I'm not really that picky about what job to do for a while, I've done nasty jobs and will do them again. I don't think it's a pride issue. I just want to find a job where I can work hard and earn enough to support our family and take the load off of Sherry. But I really want to be able spend time with her and Breklinn, and the boy to come. The process sucks, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many like me out there. That is helpful to think about. Everyone has times when work doesn't come. Everyone has times when the future seems unclear. Everyone has times when it seems like they're in the desert.

I guess this IS a good time to "practice the presence of God" on the surface and out of the depths at the same time. Perhaps despite myself I can look back at this in the future and see things more clearly.

The Cousins

I wonder if this will be one of those pictures they all look at in like 20 years and just laugh. I took a bunch of pictures of the group and this was the best one.

Readings

The proof par excellence of the Christian who has experienced God's unbearable forgiveness and infinate patience is that they are able to be forgiving and patiend with others. Whatever other gifts they may possess, this sign given by Jesus stamps his life as being "in the Spirit." (Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins, 28. August)

I suck.

Where He Showed Up Today

My truck has been overheating and losing coolant/antifreeze quite a bit. It's to the point where I can't drive it anymore. It had been a come and go problem but really came to a head last night to where I called 2 of my friends and had to bail out on our plans to play disc golf today. I just told them I'd have to wait until next time because I needed to take my truck to the mechanic instead. I didn't think it would make it over to Boise.

Unexpectedly, my friend calls me and says he's coming over to look at the problem and see if we could avoid taking it to the shop. So he came over around 10 am and we popped the hood and dove in. I don't know anything about anything when it comes to cars, so I was basically an observer as he worked on my truck until 4:30 in the afternoon. My other friend came over and helped out as well. It has really dawned on me tonight how truly great these friends are. They saved my butt, in a big way. Not only is my truck feeling better, but I didn't even have to take it to a shop. I saw what servanthood and humility looked like today. It looked like a couple friends giving up their whole day to bury their heads under the hood of my beat up Nissan. I think that's what Jesus would have done, too.

1 1/2 Years

I can't believe that we've had Breklinn for amost a year and a half. She is getting to be so much fun. More and new things happen every day. It's all such a new adventure for us. I've never been around young children that much and being a dad has been the best experience so far that I could have ever even thought of. She's so funny, the things she picks up, the things we find her doing keep us simling and on our toes all the time. With this of course comes trying and difficult stuff as well. She's very strong willed, but the more I see babies the more I realize that all of them tend to be that way. Sometimes we are so used to just being with Brek that all the bad stuff she does makes us feel like we're bad parents. We were with our friends the other day who have a son about a month younger than Brek. It was quite refreshing to see him running around not listening to his dad, not wanting to come, not wanting to be held, and screaming when being picked up. Wow, we're not the only ones. I've never been so relieved to see 2 kids running around screaming and pushing. This picture here is of Breklinn in a common spot: The dog's water dish. She likes to take a quick swim in it every now and again. It has since gone outside.

Walk the Line

I'm looking for a job. It's an interesting time because we're not exactly sure what or where the future holds past this year, but we're here and I need to work. It's alright, we're really not too worried about things revolving around where we might be. We're here and we're enjoying it.

I've been applying to job after job for months now. I tried to find places in the northwest & California among other places but nothing ever materialized. Seems to be the trend here in Idaho as well. I've been talking to a friend of mine today and we're both in the same situation. We were talking about how we just wonder how God's mind really works in relation to people like us. My conversation today simply revolved around finding a job, but it gets so much bigger than that, doesn't it? How do we as believers find that line of trusting God to provide and lead us, yet don't sit lazily around on our thumbs and just take the position that God will do it all? I saw a bumber sticker the other day that said "Trust in God, but lock your car." It's an interesting line of thought that seems to never end.

Where is that line, anyway? How do wholeheartedly trust God, relying on Him completely but take into consideration our part of the covenant? We have free will, free choices... So how do we go about trusting for God to lead yet at the same time "lock our car?" God doesn't want us to sit around and wait to be spoon fed, but at the same time I doubt he really wants for us to rely completely upon ourselves for everything, does He?

So how do we go about walking the line of faith and action? The line of trust and pursuit? It goes way beyond jobs, way beyond today. I want to trust God for every little thing, but I know much is required.

Seems I haven't arrived at any sort of conclusion.

Readings

Good readings from today:

"One defination of salvation is 'an ongoing process of becoming increaslingly concious.' Many of us remain in a state of psychic numbness throughout our lives... It is daily meditation that leads us to full wakefulness. We learn to wake up to the reality of our existance and the reality of God. Spiritual maturity is simply living in harmony with ourselves and with God. When we meditate, our eyes are taken off ourselves. We are not concerned withour own perfection or our own wisdom or even our happiness. Our eyes are fixed on Jesus, and we receive everything, literally everything, we need to run the race and to make light of the difficulties we have, whatever they are... Meditation makes us lighthearted because we know that there is only one thing essential to life and that is to be in harmony with God and ourselves (See Luke 10.42, 12.31). This is what leads to the discovery that we cannot lose once we realize that everything that happens to us has been designed to teach us holiness." Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins, August 16.

Nan & Pop holding Breklinn 

Nan

Since before I married into Sherry's family I have been completely blown away at the relationship they all have with their grandmother, Nan. Sherry's brother, sisters, cousins, parents, aunt & uncle are so tight nit and every bit of it was centered around Nan. Sherry & her brother grew up many years with her, spending endless hours at her house in Bethany, Oklahoma. When I first met Nan after Sherry & I began dating, I fell in love with her. She had the most beautiful spirit. So funny, so humble, so hard-working, and so driven. She never stopped moving, never stopped doing things for others. I remember in those early days leading up to our wedding the thought dawned on me that one day I would probably have to go through the pain of her passing. I expected it to be in the long distant future.

We just returned from driving to Oklahoma City and back for Nan's funeral. It was hard, very hard. Nan loved me like I was her own grandson. I know this because she told me over and over again. She accepted me with open arms and the loving spirit that only those close to her could really understand. This weekend was difficult for the family. The loss is great. But God's grace was evident and continues to minister. I'm so glad I could be there with my 2nd family.

While at the burial I had the chance to see the graves of Nan & Pop's three children. One died the day after birth, one after six months, and one at five years. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. The thought haunts me at times as to what we would do if something happend to Breklinn. Nan lost three children. I don't claim to know how those years were for her and Pop, how they grieved and somehow moved on, but they did. Nan left a legacy of what it looks like to love deeply. Nothing was more important than family and serving the Lord in humility. She was honored with over 400 people in attendance at her funeral. I'll never forget it. I'm glad to have been loved by Vivian Lucile Chambers and to be part of her family. I'm grateful for how she impacted Sherry's life. I'm grateful for how she impacted my life.

Nan stood only 4' 11'' but in my eyes towered over the rest of us. I hope and pray I can be half the person she was.

Lead or Led

This weekend I was challenged about my state of faith in God. I'm a minister, not currently officially in any real way with an organized church body but it is who I am. Or who I try to be. Or am called? With this comes often times in my life this notion that somehow I shouldn't need help from others. What a load. I need help just as much if not more than anyone else. In our move from Colorado to Idaho & uncertainty the reality of needing to rely on God for pretty much everything has really started to set in.

We've worshipped at Boise First Church of the Nazarene the last few weeks and have really become comfortable and desiring to get plugged in and serve there. The pastor whom I have not met and honestly do not know his name said something though that has stuck with me. He was talking about as Christians so often we get caught up in defending Christ, making it our mission to in a way own Him, and use God for our life. But where is this ever asked of us? All we're asked to do is follow and serve. God is not mine to use or defend or try to mold into what I need. I need to simply follow and allow Christ to lead my life.

I don't have a clue as to what or where God is leading. I've never felt so lost before. But I'm starting to see that perhaps that's not that bad of a thing.

I guess I'd rather be led by God than lead Him. I wasn't doing a very good job at it anyway.

Jobs & Disc Golf

This week my friend Jesse & his wife are here visiting. It's so nice to have them around, they are really good friends. Sherry started school today and so I'm here hanging out, applying & calling on jobs, watching after Brek, and about to each lunch. J and I really like to play disc golf, so I think we'll head out to Boise later today and play. I posted some pictures of Sherry and I. These are some of my favorites. They make me miss home a bit. Colorado is so beautiful and to be that close to the mountains was a real gift. The mountains are great here as well, but I haven't had a chance to get out there. Soon enough though.

Sherry & I on the Lima, Peru coastline 

Chasm Lake looking up at Long's Peak 

Luke, Sherry & Breklinn in Arequipa, Peru 

I'm amazed how Idaho's right side looks like a profile.

I've been an offical resident of Idaho for about two weeks now and still have so much going in my mind. It's been a huge adjustment for us, but each day brings new positives and ways to get back into a better frame of mind. I've not dealt with a huge amount of transition in my life, only moved really a few times, so this one seems a bit bitter than others. It was our first during married life and the first dealing with circumstances not entirely in our control. It's ok though. It's taken a few weeks to really believe that, but I do. I've no job or real clue, but I believe God is helping me. He's helping us.

I'm new at this blog deal and pretty skeptical. Does it beat the good old private journal of honesty? That's still to be seen. I guess I'm chosing to look at this is something new as I experience something... new. I like this template though. Not a bad start.