Readings

The Spirit of Jesus provides a way for us to live on the surface and out of the depths at the same time. On the surface we can think, dialogue, plan, and be fully present to the demands of the daily routine. Simultaneously, and deeply within, we can be in prayer, adoration, thanksgiving, and attentiveness to the Spirt. The secret places of the heart become a sanctuary of praise in the noise playpen of the marketplace. After weeks and months of practice, relapses, discouragement, and returns to the center, this discipline becomes a habit. Brother Lawrence called it "the practice of the presence of God." (Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins, Sept. 7)

To think about progressing towards centered-ness to God seems like craziness to me right now. I've become so uneasy and anxious to be on with things and to come to a place of understanding that the farthest thing from my mind is slowing down and centering things "on the surface and out of the depths." I wrote one of my teachers/leaders last night and he really helped me to see things in a few new ways. He encouraged me to read Psalm 126 and Isaiah 35. Good readings to help my perspective.

I think fear is a big part of my life right now. I've never been strong at reaching for favors, jobs, references and stuff like that. All the jobs I've had in my life have happened through people I already knew or through word of mouth. I've applied for jobs, done new & uncomfortable things, but the process right now is daunting to me. I'm struggling to find even the simplest job. I'm terrified to really go out and put myself out on the line because it has been one disapointment after another, for quite some time. I try not to take things personally, but that is getting harder and harder to do. I'm not really that picky about what job to do for a while, I've done nasty jobs and will do them again. I don't think it's a pride issue. I just want to find a job where I can work hard and earn enough to support our family and take the load off of Sherry. But I really want to be able spend time with her and Breklinn, and the boy to come. The process sucks, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many like me out there. That is helpful to think about. Everyone has times when work doesn't come. Everyone has times when the future seems unclear. Everyone has times when it seems like they're in the desert.

I guess this IS a good time to "practice the presence of God" on the surface and out of the depths at the same time. Perhaps despite myself I can look back at this in the future and see things more clearly.